I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
This house was built for laser tag.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
