I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize