The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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