You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
