I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
