If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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