i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I lost the right to judge tonight
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
