You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
