I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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