fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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