Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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