Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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