When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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