No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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