how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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