I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
