hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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