Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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