you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
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