he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
