my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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