The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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