I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
two words...techno handjob
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
