I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
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He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
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