she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
