I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Those nachos came to me in a dream
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
