this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
