You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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