if i can run in heels then i can drive
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
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