my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
