i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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