My sheets look like a crime scene.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
