He disabled his match.com account in front of me
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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