Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
