I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
