It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
