I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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