made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
