Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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