guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
