I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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