woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
