On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
