Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
