I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
