I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
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I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
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I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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