Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
