Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
