Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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