fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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