dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize
