Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
