It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
