My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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