She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
