I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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