did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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