Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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