tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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