i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
